"The Gay Science"? Extremely Gay!

Sup, brohams? So, check it out: I decided I would have a look at that book that Dave Newlin was reading the other day. Not because I'm interested in gayness or anything. But I wanna know if that book is telling Dave Newlin to explore the depths of his love for cock by, like, crushing a whole assload of Tylenol PM into my Mountain Dew and waiting, biding his time, until i fall asleep probably sitting in his bedroom, in the dark doing those Mr. Burns hands, thinking to himself "Excellent - Zack will soon be passed out and I'll get my nut! All over his sphincter!" And then he sneaks into my room and lubes me up real gentle-like and then has his way with my butthole all fucking night. It's a goddamn rodeo up in my ass! And in the morning it looks like my poop is swimming in a bowl of Tropical Punch Kool-Aid, cause I bet Dave Newlin takes like Enzyte and shit, to be able to compete with other dudes for my ass cherry. They all whip it out before hand and they look and say "Dave Newlin, you'll to the most damage to his intestines, what with that donkey dick you're rockin'. Go to!"
But anyway, so, I had to find out about that book to find out what Dave Newlin's plans were. But I couldn't remember the title. So I waited until he was in the living room, reading that book. and then I called up my broham Cody, and was all like "Dude, get over here, like, pronto!". So he comes over and then I walk up to Dave Newlin all casual, like, "Hey, man, what were last month's utilities like? So I can budget for next month." But then I grabbed the book out of his hand and tossed it to Cody, and we started playing Keep Away with it, but only so I could get a good look at the title of the book, which was - dudes, I can't believe it - "The Gay Science"! Actually it was pretty fun playing Keep Away, until Dave Newlin punched Cody in the stomach really hard and Cody got pissed. He would have kicked Dave Newlin's dick in the dirt, but Dave Newlin is a fucking Gigantor, like, six foot three or something. In the Homo Animal Kingdom, he would be known as a "bear".
I didn't want to read the whole fucking book or anything, because I'm a busy man. Later that night Cassie Miner was having an Eighties Party. Even though the Eighties was one of the queerest decades in history - like dudes dressed as chicks and the guy from "The Mighty Ducks" crying like a pussy about his dad wants him to be a winner. Except for Brett Michaels - he's a fuckin' pimp. Cassie's party was supposed to be pretty cool. And, I mean, she's a fat chick, don't get me wrong, but sometimes fucking a fat chick is like riding on one of those mechanical Zorro horses outside the Smith's - it's a lot of fun until your brohams see you. I bet I could fuck her.
So I decided to just Wikipedia "The Gay Science" (I was so relieved that it didn't pull up a bunch of dudes getting hummers from dudes, like with a chart and graphs.) And while I was happy to see that it wasn't an instruction manual on how to give me the AIDS, it turns out it's about poetry. That's what they used to call writing poetry - "The Gay Science". Which makes sense, because guys who write poems are usually writing them about how much they love dicks. Sometimes they disguise it as hetero, like they say "chicks" instead of "dicks" in their poems, since it rhymes. But make no mistake. One time in junior year, Mrs. Norwood assigned us this poem called "Do Not Go Gentle," and I was like "ugh!". I totally didn't read it, cause the last thing I want in my brain is an image of this Dylan Thomas guy telling like, Shel Silverstein, to give it to him harder.
So then I clicked a link on the author, whose name is spelled weird. I had to look at the Wikipedia, like, three times before I got this right. It's Nietzsche. First of all, he has a huge mustache, like a total child molester. If you're not from, like, the wild west or some shit, like that one old guy in "Tombstone", then having a mustache is like a signal to the world that you fuck weird. Like little kids - probably boys - or dudes. And like all those dudes in the Village People have mustaches, and so does that one dude from Queen. Secondly, he apparently died from being totally crazy, and they first noticed it when he was trying to protect a horse from getting it's ass whooped by a police officer. And only chicks like horses that much. Okay, I mean, there are some solid dudes who like to ride, like, buckin' broncos and shit, and that's totally cool, because even if you hurt your nuts real bad, it's like man fighting against nature. And gay dudes are fighting against nature, sure, but not in the cool way, like fighting the horses and the Mongolians and shit for your God given land. More like when a dude wrestles a bear. And I don't mean a bear like how Newlin's a bear. I mean like in "The Edge".
Anyway, I can totally see why Dave Newlin would read that book. He'll probably go grow a mustache and then I'll see him on "To Catch a Predator", except he'll be trying to fuck a little boy or something, and Chris Hansen will pop out of nowhere and Dave Newlin will invite him for a three-way. But then he'll go to jail, which they shouldn't do, since it wouldn't even be a punishment for him. What with all the buttfucking.