Platonic Friendship? Totally Gay!

Okay, dudes, so get a load of this: Last night I was getting ready to hang out with some of my brohams at Atchafalaya's, which is this totally pimp bar on Center and Freedom. They got a bunch of pool tables and a pretty good jukebox, with that one Chumbawumba song, and "The Thong Song". One time at Atcha's these chicks that wait tables at Outback Steakhouse, it was one of them's birthday, and so they were drinking, like, one million fucking jell-o shooters. They were so fucking plastered, they were, like, dancing on the pool tables, and drinking Jack out of each other's belly buttons and shit, like in "Coyote Ugly". It was pretty sweet, and I got an HJ from this one chick in the back of Cody's Bronco. I was gonna totally fuck her, but when she lifted up her skirt she had this huge fucking bush. It was like Samuel L. Jackson was filming "Unbreakable Part Two" in her craw. So I told her that my wisdom teeth hurt real bad, so I wouldn't have to eat her out, and I just got an HJ instead.
Anyway, I digress. So I'm in the bathroom, putting some Brut on, and I've got the door open and Dave Newlin comes in. He's all like "I'm just gonna squeeze by you for a sec and grab my book. and maybe your balls." I made that last part up. He didn't say it, but you could tell he totally wanted to. Anyway I was feeling kind of sorry for him, cause it looked like he was going to spend his Saturday night reading some stupid book, which, by the way, is called "The Gay Science." Jeez, dude, why don't you just get in a plane and write "I LOVE COCKS" in the sky? I mean, the secret's out, right?
So I thought to myself, maybe if he hung out with some total straight-up dudes then he could un-learn being gay. Like, if he were exposed to the absolute machoness of me and my crew, it would weaken his love for balls." So I say, "Newlin, dude, we're gonna shoot pool at Atcha's, you in?" But he was all like "I'd love to, but my friend is coming over" Which probably meant he was gonna have like his butt buddy over. I mean, I don't wanna sound intolerant, but what dude wants two dudes buttfucking on his couch, getting AIDS all over the place? I'd have to lysol the shit out of the cushions before the guys come over for the Patriots-Jets game. So I was like "Dude, you should bring him, it's gonna be so tight. We're just gonna get, like, totally fucking wasted and Skeet said he bring his four wheelers so we can mudding after last call." I know - invite two queers to hang out with me and my brohams? But first of all, it could be totally hilarious watching them buy each other drinks and try to play darts with their girly wrists and shit. And also, gay dudes are total pussy magnets.
But, surprise, surprise - Dave Newlin said "It's a girl, actually, and I don't think she'd like going to Atcha's, it's not really her thing. I think we were going to watch a movie anyway." And I thought for a moment that I had had Dave Newlin all pegged wrong. And I was like "Dude, is she cute?" And he was like "Yeah, she's cute." And then I was like, "Dude, that's awesome. You have my permission to totally buttfuck her on the couch." But then he was all like "It's not like that. We're just friends. It's totally platonic."
So Dave Newlin's best friend is this girl named Kimmie and they don't even fuck. She's probably like his beard, which is like a decoy chick you keep around you if you're gay but you don't want people to know. And people think "Oh, surely Dave Newlin isn't gay, because he's always hanging out with that chick Kimmie. On an unrelated note, did you see Newlin suck that golf ball through that garden hose? It was quite a feat!" But what you don't know they just stay up all night and tell each other secrets about boys and make B.F.F. collages and watch "Beaches" and shit. And he doesn't even try to get some from her. I mean, what is this, a fucking Disney cartoon?
Being platonic friends with a girl just doesn't work. Period. Because why would you ever hang out with a girl unless you thought you were maybe going to fuck her? They don't hold their booze well (which can sometimes be cool, actually) and you always have to play touch football with them (which is also cool, because you get to touch her butt, but touch football is for pussies) and they always wanna watch stuff that doesn't have Chuck Norris in it, even though he's a total badass (I have a t-shirt about how he has two speeds: "walk" and "kill"! It's so sweet!). I mean, yeah, I have friends that are chicks, but it's because I waited too long to fuck them, or they're fucking a friend of mine or something. The only reason you would have a girl for a legitimate friend is if you had no interest in banging them whatsoever, which is obviously the case with Dave Newlin and this Kimmie chick. I bet she's fat, too. Gay guys are always best friends with fat chicks. Kimmie sounds like a fat chick name.
Dude, I would never be platonic or whatever with a chick. A chick might try and make me one of the girls, like I'm gonna come to her stupid ass "Sex and The City" parties. But she'd learn the drill real quick. After the third or fourth time we hung out, I'd wait for her to get up and go to the kitchen and when she came back, I'd have my boner all whipped out and ready to go. And I'd be real casual about it, like, just nodding my head toward it and saying like "So, whatcha think?" And if she got all weird about it, I'd be like, "You're being unfair. I helped you move last month and some of that shit was pretty heavy." Then she'd at least have to give me an HJ. Unless she was a bitch and, like, ran to get the RA in her dorm and I had to press the elevator like I was heading downstairs, but then I went to the roof until the campus cops left. That happened once.