Slaves? Awesome! Newlin? Gay!

One thing that really chaps my fuckin' caboose is how self-righteous my gay friend Dave Newlin can be sometimes. Like, okay, this morning, I don't even know how we got on the subject, but he was talking some crazy shit about how, like, there are more slaves on the planet now than there were during, like, olden times, with Abraham Lincoln. Or Moses. I don't even know. Anyway, when I heard this, I was all like, "Cool. Well, let's go get some slaves. And then they could do my laundry or, like, go get me some sluts, or if I wanted to steal an iPod Touch from Best Buy or some shit, I would make my slave do it. And if he got caught, I would come down there and be all like 'I apologize for my unruly slave, shopkeep!' and then I'd turn to the slave and be all like 'Someone is about to get off the train at St. Asswhoopinsberg'. But secretly I'd give him extra grits for his efforts and drive him to another Best Buy, like, in Draper or something." And Gay Old Dave Newlin was all like "That's morally reprehensibile. Hey, do you guys have any Playgirl magazines that I could peruse?" And, just to be clear, my slave wouldn't have to be a black guy. I'm not a racist. I love Nas! And Ja Rule? Yeah, he's all right. They should be making beats with DMX and Dre, not doing my laundry. But, like, some dude from the Ukraine? Who doesn't rap? That's fair game. Also, if my slave were a hot chick, I totally wouldn't bang her by default. Just because I'm the master. She could choose to bang me. And so I asked Dave Newlin if he'd feel better if his slave was, like, a hot chick from Japan, or, like a burly dude from Belarus who just happens to enjoy carrying him around on his back all day. But, whatever, Dave is totally gay. He would not own a slave, no matter the circumstances, even when I told him he could feed the slave however much he wanted and he wouldn't have to wear rags and shit. Like, he could have a dope ass Yankees hat, like Fred Durst and some Hollister shirts. But whatever. Newlin just really likes teabagging dudes I guess. Dudes dressed like firefighters, probably.