"The Gay Science"? Extremely Gay!

Sup, brohams? So, check it out: I decided I would have a look at that book that Dave Newlin was reading the other day. Not because I'm interested in gayness or anything. But I wanna know if that book is telling Dave Newlin to explore the depths of his love for cock by, like, crushing a whole assload of Tylenol PM into my Mountain Dew and waiting, biding his time, until i fall asleep probably sitting in his bedroom, in the dark doing those Mr. Burns hands, thinking to himself "Excellent - Zack will soon be passed out and I'll get my nut! All over his sphincter!" And then he sneaks into my room and lubes me up real gentle-like and then has his way with my butthole all fucking night. It's a goddamn rodeo up in my ass! And in the morning it looks like my poop is swimming in a bowl of Tropical Punch Kool-Aid, cause I bet Dave Newlin takes like Enzyte and shit, to be able to compete with other dudes for my ass cherry. They all whip it out before hand and they look and say "Dave Newlin, you'll to the most damage to his intestines, what with that donkey dick you're rockin'. Go to!"
But anyway, so, I had to find out about that book to find out what Dave Newlin's plans were. But I couldn't remember the title. So I waited until he was in the living room, reading that book. and then I called up my broham Cody, and was all like "Dude, get over here, like, pronto!". So he comes over and then I walk up to Dave Newlin all casual, like, "Hey, man, what were last month's utilities like? So I can budget for next month." But then I grabbed the book out of his hand and tossed it to Cody, and we started playing Keep Away with it, but only so I could get a good look at the title of the book, which was - dudes, I can't believe it - "The Gay Science"! Actually it was pretty fun playing Keep Away, until Dave Newlin punched Cody in the stomach really hard and Cody got pissed. He would have kicked Dave Newlin's dick in the dirt, but Dave Newlin is a fucking Gigantor, like, six foot three or something. In the Homo Animal Kingdom, he would be known as a "bear".
I didn't want to read the whole fucking book or anything, because I'm a busy man. Later that night Cassie Miner was having an Eighties Party. Even though the Eighties was one of the queerest decades in history - like dudes dressed as chicks and the guy from "The Mighty Ducks" crying like a pussy about his dad wants him to be a winner. Except for Brett Michaels - he's a fuckin' pimp. Cassie's party was supposed to be pretty cool. And, I mean, she's a fat chick, don't get me wrong, but sometimes fucking a fat chick is like riding on one of those mechanical Zorro horses outside the Smith's - it's a lot of fun until your brohams see you. I bet I could fuck her.
So I decided to just Wikipedia "The Gay Science" (I was so relieved that it didn't pull up a bunch of dudes getting hummers from dudes, like with a chart and graphs.) And while I was happy to see that it wasn't an instruction manual on how to give me the AIDS, it turns out it's about poetry. That's what they used to call writing poetry - "The Gay Science". Which makes sense, because guys who write poems are usually writing them about how much they love dicks. Sometimes they disguise it as hetero, like they say "chicks" instead of "dicks" in their poems, since it rhymes. But make no mistake. One time in junior year, Mrs. Norwood assigned us this poem called "Do Not Go Gentle," and I was like "ugh!". I totally didn't read it, cause the last thing I want in my brain is an image of this Dylan Thomas guy telling like, Shel Silverstein, to give it to him harder.
So then I clicked a link on the author, whose name is spelled weird. I had to look at the Wikipedia, like, three times before I got this right. It's Nietzsche. First of all, he has a huge mustache, like a total child molester. If you're not from, like, the wild west or some shit, like that one old guy in "Tombstone", then having a mustache is like a signal to the world that you fuck weird. Like little kids - probably boys - or dudes. And like all those dudes in the Village People have mustaches, and so does that one dude from Queen. Secondly, he apparently died from being totally crazy, and they first noticed it when he was trying to protect a horse from getting it's ass whooped by a police officer. And only chicks like horses that much. Okay, I mean, there are some solid dudes who like to ride, like, buckin' broncos and shit, and that's totally cool, because even if you hurt your nuts real bad, it's like man fighting against nature. And gay dudes are fighting against nature, sure, but not in the cool way, like fighting the horses and the Mongolians and shit for your God given land. More like when a dude wrestles a bear. And I don't mean a bear like how Newlin's a bear. I mean like in "The Edge".
Anyway, I can totally see why Dave Newlin would read that book. He'll probably go grow a mustache and then I'll see him on "To Catch a Predator", except he'll be trying to fuck a little boy or something, and Chris Hansen will pop out of nowhere and Dave Newlin will invite him for a three-way. But then he'll go to jail, which they shouldn't do, since it wouldn't even be a punishment for him. What with all the buttfucking.

Platonic Friendship? Totally Gay!

Okay, dudes, so get a load of this: Last night I was getting ready to hang out with some of my brohams at Atchafalaya's, which is this totally pimp bar on Center and Freedom. They got a bunch of pool tables and a pretty good jukebox, with that one Chumbawumba song, and "The Thong Song". One time at Atcha's these chicks that wait tables at Outback Steakhouse, it was one of them's birthday, and so they were drinking, like, one million fucking jell-o shooters. They were so fucking plastered, they were, like, dancing on the pool tables, and drinking Jack out of each other's belly buttons and shit, like in "Coyote Ugly". It was pretty sweet, and I got an HJ from this one chick in the back of Cody's Bronco. I was gonna totally fuck her, but when she lifted up her skirt she had this huge fucking bush. It was like Samuel L. Jackson was filming "Unbreakable Part Two" in her craw. So I told her that my wisdom teeth hurt real bad, so I wouldn't have to eat her out, and I just got an HJ instead.
Anyway, I digress. So I'm in the bathroom, putting some Brut on, and I've got the door open and Dave Newlin comes in. He's all like "I'm just gonna squeeze by you for a sec and grab my book. and maybe your balls." I made that last part up. He didn't say it, but you could tell he totally wanted to. Anyway I was feeling kind of sorry for him, cause it looked like he was going to spend his Saturday night reading some stupid book, which, by the way, is called "The Gay Science." Jeez, dude, why don't you just get in a plane and write "I LOVE COCKS" in the sky? I mean, the secret's out, right?
So I thought to myself, maybe if he hung out with some total straight-up dudes then he could un-learn being gay. Like, if he were exposed to the absolute machoness of me and my crew, it would weaken his love for balls." So I say, "Newlin, dude, we're gonna shoot pool at Atcha's, you in?" But he was all like "I'd love to, but my friend is coming over" Which probably meant he was gonna have like his butt buddy over. I mean, I don't wanna sound intolerant, but what dude wants two dudes buttfucking on his couch, getting AIDS all over the place? I'd have to lysol the shit out of the cushions before the guys come over for the Patriots-Jets game. So I was like "Dude, you should bring him, it's gonna be so tight. We're just gonna get, like, totally fucking wasted and Skeet said he bring his four wheelers so we can mudding after last call." I know - invite two queers to hang out with me and my brohams? But first of all, it could be totally hilarious watching them buy each other drinks and try to play darts with their girly wrists and shit. And also, gay dudes are total pussy magnets.
But, surprise, surprise - Dave Newlin said "It's a girl, actually, and I don't think she'd like going to Atcha's, it's not really her thing. I think we were going to watch a movie anyway." And I thought for a moment that I had had Dave Newlin all pegged wrong. And I was like "Dude, is she cute?" And he was like "Yeah, she's cute." And then I was like, "Dude, that's awesome. You have my permission to totally buttfuck her on the couch." But then he was all like "It's not like that. We're just friends. It's totally platonic."
So Dave Newlin's best friend is this girl named Kimmie and they don't even fuck. She's probably like his beard, which is like a decoy chick you keep around you if you're gay but you don't want people to know. And people think "Oh, surely Dave Newlin isn't gay, because he's always hanging out with that chick Kimmie. On an unrelated note, did you see Newlin suck that golf ball through that garden hose? It was quite a feat!" But what you don't know they just stay up all night and tell each other secrets about boys and make B.F.F. collages and watch "Beaches" and shit. And he doesn't even try to get some from her. I mean, what is this, a fucking Disney cartoon?
Being platonic friends with a girl just doesn't work. Period. Because why would you ever hang out with a girl unless you thought you were maybe going to fuck her? They don't hold their booze well (which can sometimes be cool, actually) and you always have to play touch football with them (which is also cool, because you get to touch her butt, but touch football is for pussies) and they always wanna watch stuff that doesn't have Chuck Norris in it, even though he's a total badass (I have a t-shirt about how he has two speeds: "walk" and "kill"! It's so sweet!). I mean, yeah, I have friends that are chicks, but it's because I waited too long to fuck them, or they're fucking a friend of mine or something. The only reason you would have a girl for a legitimate friend is if you had no interest in banging them whatsoever, which is obviously the case with Dave Newlin and this Kimmie chick. I bet she's fat, too. Gay guys are always best friends with fat chicks. Kimmie sounds like a fat chick name.
Dude, I would never be platonic or whatever with a chick. A chick might try and make me one of the girls, like I'm gonna come to her stupid ass "Sex and The City" parties. But she'd learn the drill real quick. After the third or fourth time we hung out, I'd wait for her to get up and go to the kitchen and when she came back, I'd have my boner all whipped out and ready to go. And I'd be real casual about it, like, just nodding my head toward it and saying like "So, whatcha think?" And if she got all weird about it, I'd be like, "You're being unfair. I helped you move last month and some of that shit was pretty heavy." Then she'd at least have to give me an HJ. Unless she was a bitch and, like, ran to get the RA in her dorm and I had to press the elevator like I was heading downstairs, but then I went to the roof until the campus cops left. That happened once.

Slaves? Awesome! Newlin? Gay!

One thing that really chaps my fuckin' caboose is how self-righteous my gay friend Dave Newlin can be sometimes. Like, okay, this morning, I don't even know how we got on the subject, but he was talking some crazy shit about how, like, there are more slaves on the planet now than there were during, like, olden times, with Abraham Lincoln. Or Moses. I don't even know. Anyway, when I heard this, I was all like, "Cool. Well, let's go get some slaves. And then they could do my laundry or, like, go get me some sluts, or if I wanted to steal an iPod Touch from Best Buy or some shit, I would make my slave do it. And if he got caught, I would come down there and be all like 'I apologize for my unruly slave, shopkeep!' and then I'd turn to the slave and be all like 'Someone is about to get off the train at St. Asswhoopinsberg'. But secretly I'd give him extra grits for his efforts and drive him to another Best Buy, like, in Draper or something." And Gay Old Dave Newlin was all like "That's morally reprehensibile. Hey, do you guys have any Playgirl magazines that I could peruse?" And, just to be clear, my slave wouldn't have to be a black guy. I'm not a racist. I love Nas! And Ja Rule? Yeah, he's all right. They should be making beats with DMX and Dre, not doing my laundry. But, like, some dude from the Ukraine? Who doesn't rap? That's fair game. Also, if my slave were a hot chick, I totally wouldn't bang her by default. Just because I'm the master. She could choose to bang me. And so I asked Dave Newlin if he'd feel better if his slave was, like, a hot chick from Japan, or, like a burly dude from Belarus who just happens to enjoy carrying him around on his back all day. But, whatever, Dave is totally gay. He would not own a slave, no matter the circumstances, even when I told him he could feed the slave however much he wanted and he wouldn't have to wear rags and shit. Like, he could have a dope ass Yankees hat, like Fred Durst and some Hollister shirts. But whatever. Newlin just really likes teabagging dudes I guess. Dudes dressed like firefighters, probably.