Dave Newlin's Eating Habits? The Key to his Gayness.

Dave Newlin eats a lot of weird shit. I don't mean, like, that I've come home at two in the morning and caught him rim-jobbing a burly UPS Delivery Man with an ass like a plump Christmas ham or anything. I just mean that he likes to eat really bizarre foods. Like, for some reason, he puts Funyuns on everything. Even on a pepperoni pizza, I saw him one time crumble some Funyuns on it before he put it in the oven. Or, like, I saw him mix some Barton's with some vailla ice cream in a blender and then he dipped funyuns in that. And I'm all like, thinking, "Dude, Anderson Cooper is not going to want to french kiss you if you keep eating that weird shit, and get the Funyun and Tuna Cassarole breath."
Also eggs. Dave Newlin, eats so many goddamn eggs, like he puts a whole fried egg on top of his Ramen noodles. Or in the morning he cracks an egg into a glass of PBR and just chugs it like it was a stein of Lance Bass' baby batter. Eggs to me are the absolute grossest fucking thing I could think of. They're the menstrual poops of chickens. When a hen is on the rag, that's what comes out of her axe wound, is a fucking egg. I don't know who first watched a chicken squeeze an egg out of her snatch and decided "it would be a good idea to put that chicken menstruation in my mouth", but I bet it was Dave Newlin's "great" X 1,000 grandfather, some deviant caveman, who probably liked to cornhole saber-toothed tigers, or to put his whole head in the butthole of a woolly mammoth.
The other day, I thought I saw the grossest thing on the planet. Me and Cody went over to Brady Nickels' apartment with a case of Coors. One time, she got really drunk and "skied" Cody and Cooter Bradenberg, which is when a chick HJ's two dudes at the same time. So we thought we could trick her into playing "Truth or Dare" with us. But then Cody turned on me. He got me on a truth and asked me if it was true that last July I had like, six chili dogs and then I shit my pants at a Salt Lake Bees game. And then I was like "dude! we're trying to get HJ's here!" So he turns to Brady, like he's going to dare her to take off her sports bra, but then he dared her to douse me with her pepper spray keychain. Before I knew it, my eyeballs felt like Satan himself was taking a flaming piss on them and I was coughing and puking all over the place, and I heard Cody say we were even for the all the times I tea-bagged him and took pictures of it, and Brady said we were even for the time I told everyone that we dry-humped at her step-dad's cabin. I could hardly see or walk or anything, and I was pissed that I wasn't going to get skied with Cody, but in the end Cody was a broham and he tied a rope to the front truck of my longboard and pulled me back to the house. Me and him are cool.
Anyway, so I stumble in, and there's Dave Newlin on the couch. He's all like "Shit, Zack, what the hell happened to you?" And he was eating this thing, it was like brown and nutty, and i was all blurry eyed still, so it looked like a piece of human shit. And I yelled "Dave Newlin, are you eating a piece of human shit!" I was totally like, "That's it. Call a priest to bless this house and cast the gayness out." But it turns out it was just a Nut Roll. Still - a NUT roll. And he was dipping it in melted marshmellow. Like jizz, dude.
Seriously, I think Dave Newlin eats all this crazy shit, because he's trying to kill his tastebuds. Like, traumatize them so much they go into a coma. Why would he try to do that?, you might ask, and i'm like, Broham? Isn't it obvious? If he kills his tastebuds, he'll be able to rim dudes and drink their man-milk with total taste impunity! He'd be a fucking machine, and twinks and bears from miles around would gather at my house and form a long line, like taking numbers and shit, while Dave Newlin, liberated from the constraints of taste, would be eating assholes like caramel corn. I don't think I have to tell you it would be totally fucking gay.

Nicolas Cage? Great Thespian! Dave Newlin? Soooo Gay!

Wazzzup, dawgs! So, the other day I saw a preview for a movie that I think falls into the category of "Sweet-Ass Sweet". Now, some of you out there probably just go to the movies to escape, but I like a movie that makes me think. So, I don't know if ya'll are gonna feel me on this one, but keep your minds open, and then prepare to have them blown. It's called "Know1ng".
Now, I know what ya'll are thinking. "A number in the title? Is this, like, a math movie? And, if so, is it awesome, like about kids cheating at Black Jack and then the dude that was Morpheus in The Matrix fucks up their shit? Or is it about Matt Damon doing therapy and getting all up in Minnie Driver's guts, even though she has a mule face, and then he and Robin Williams hug and you just know that Robin Williams got Matt Damon's nut juice all up in that beard of his later?" But, brohams, you need not panic, because it stars the one and only Nicolas Cage! He plays this college professor who finds a crazy code written by some psycho kid, and the code predicts disasters in the future. And even though it's PG-13 and will therefore not feature any titties, there's gonna be like hella explosions and shit, and there's even a plane crash in the preview. I am officially stoked, brohams!
Nicolas Cage is almost like an official guaruntee from Hollywood that a movie is gonna be totally pimp. If you don't believe me, check out this list of the five movies I watched the most this month and notice how many of them feature the Cage-Man!
1. "Ghost Rider" (Nicolas Cage turns into a flaming skull at night, and then fights the Devil!)
2. "The Rock" (where Nicolas Cage teams up with Sean Connery and fight terrorists!)
3. "Gone in Sixty Seconds" (Totally suped-up rides AND Angelina Jolie? Boner-ville!)
4. "DP Me Baby 14" (There's a dude in the scene with this Hispanic chick, the one doing her in the butt, and he kind of looks like Nicolas Cage.)
5. "Con-Air" (Nicolas Cage kicks ass on land, at sea, AND in the air!)
But seriously, I have never seen a Nicolas Cage movie I didn't think was badass. I even wrote a screenplay for "National Treasure Three" and sent it to Disney. I don't want to spoil it for anyone, but I will say that in order to get the clues to a stash of gold hidden in Grant's Tomb, Nicolas Cage will have to bang Sarah Palin. More like National Pleasure, right brohams?
I showed the "Know1ng" preview to Dave Newlin, but, of course, being a total stool-pusher, he didn't seem very impressed. In fact, he went so far as to say that he didn't even like Nicolas Cage half the time. He was all like "Nicolas Cage is only good in movies where he plays a total loser." I had no idea what he was talking about, so he put in this movie called "Adaptation". I can tell why Dave Newlin likes that movie, instead of a legitimate movie like "Face-Off" or "Snake Eyes". Because Nicolas Cage is all fat for some reason, like a gay bear, and spends half the movie totally jacking off. And the movie is totally about flowers and shit. I bet Dave Newlin was trying to see if watching Nicolas Cage beat his meat would get me hot, and then he was going to try and French me. I thought I saw him staring at me all girly-eyed, but maybe that was my imagination running away with me.
I bet you guys are wondering "Zack, do you still think Nicolas Cage is a badass, since he was in the jack-off flower movie?" But I bet the Cage-Man did it on a double-dare or something. Like one time in high school, when I was on the lacrosse team, we did this thing for team unity where we all jacked off on a Triscuit cracker and the last guy to blow his wad had to eat it. It wasn't gay, or anything, it was just a stunt, like in "Jackass Two" when that guy drinks the horse cum. Or the other day, Cody drank a whole shitload of Budweisers and passed out and I totally took a picture on my cameraphone of me tea-bagging his forehead! I bet Nicolas Cage was clowning around with his brohams.