Wazzzup, dawgs! So, the other day I saw a preview for a movie that I think falls into the category of "Sweet-Ass Sweet". Now, some of you out there probably just go to the movies to escape, but I like a movie that makes me think. So, I don't know if ya'll are gonna feel me on this one, but keep your minds open, and then prepare to have them blown. It's called "Know1ng".
Now, I know what ya'll are thinking. "A number in the title? Is this, like, a math movie? And, if so, is it awesome, like about kids cheating at Black Jack and then the dude that was Morpheus in The Matrix fucks up their shit? Or is it about Matt Damon doing therapy and getting all up in Minnie Driver's guts, even though she has a mule face, and then he and Robin Williams hug and you just know that Robin Williams got Matt Damon's nut juice all up in that beard of his later?" But, brohams, you need not panic, because it stars the one and only Nicolas Cage! He plays this college professor who finds a crazy code written by some psycho kid, and the code predicts disasters in the future. And even though it's PG-13 and will therefore not feature any titties, there's gonna be like hella explosions and shit, and there's even a plane crash in the preview. I am officially stoked, brohams!
Nicolas Cage is almost like an official guaruntee from Hollywood that a movie is gonna be totally pimp. If you don't believe me, check out this list of the five movies I watched the most this month and notice how many of them feature the Cage-Man!
1. "Ghost Rider" (Nicolas Cage turns into a flaming skull at night, and then fights the Devil!)
2. "The Rock" (where Nicolas Cage teams up with Sean Connery and fight terrorists!)
3. "Gone in Sixty Seconds" (Totally suped-up rides AND Angelina Jolie? Boner-ville!)
4. "DP Me Baby 14" (There's a dude in the scene with this Hispanic chick, the one doing her in the butt, and he kind of looks like Nicolas Cage.)
5. "Con-Air" (Nicolas Cage kicks ass on land, at sea, AND in the air!)
But seriously, I have never seen a Nicolas Cage movie I didn't think was badass. I even wrote a screenplay for "National Treasure Three" and sent it to Disney. I don't want to spoil it for anyone, but I will say that in order to get the clues to a stash of gold hidden in Grant's Tomb, Nicolas Cage will have to bang Sarah Palin. More like National Pleasure, right brohams?
I showed the "Know1ng" preview to Dave Newlin, but, of course, being a total stool-pusher, he didn't seem very impressed. In fact, he went so far as to say that he didn't even like Nicolas Cage half the time. He was all like "Nicolas Cage is only good in movies where he plays a total loser." I had no idea what he was talking about, so he put in this movie called "Adaptation". I can tell why Dave Newlin likes that movie, instead of a legitimate movie like "Face-Off" or "Snake Eyes". Because Nicolas Cage is all fat for some reason, like a gay bear, and spends half the movie totally jacking off. And the movie is totally about flowers and shit. I bet Dave Newlin was trying to see if watching Nicolas Cage beat his meat would get me hot, and then he was going to try and French me. I thought I saw him staring at me all girly-eyed, but maybe that was my imagination running away with me.
I bet you guys are wondering "Zack, do you still think Nicolas Cage is a badass, since he was in the jack-off flower movie?" But I bet the Cage-Man did it on a double-dare or something. Like one time in high school, when I was on the lacrosse team, we did this thing for team unity where we all jacked off on a Triscuit cracker and the last guy to blow his wad had to eat it. It wasn't gay, or anything, it was just a stunt, like in "Jackass Two" when that guy drinks the horse cum. Or the other day, Cody drank a whole shitload of Budweisers and passed out and I totally took a picture on my cameraphone of me tea-bagging his forehead! I bet Nicolas Cage was clowning around with his brohams.
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