Dave Newlin's Eating Habits? The Key to his Gayness.

Dave Newlin eats a lot of weird shit. I don't mean, like, that I've come home at two in the morning and caught him rim-jobbing a burly UPS Delivery Man with an ass like a plump Christmas ham or anything. I just mean that he likes to eat really bizarre foods. Like, for some reason, he puts Funyuns on everything. Even on a pepperoni pizza, I saw him one time crumble some Funyuns on it before he put it in the oven. Or, like, I saw him mix some Barton's with some vailla ice cream in a blender and then he dipped funyuns in that. And I'm all like, thinking, "Dude, Anderson Cooper is not going to want to french kiss you if you keep eating that weird shit, and get the Funyun and Tuna Cassarole breath."
Also eggs. Dave Newlin, eats so many goddamn eggs, like he puts a whole fried egg on top of his Ramen noodles. Or in the morning he cracks an egg into a glass of PBR and just chugs it like it was a stein of Lance Bass' baby batter. Eggs to me are the absolute grossest fucking thing I could think of. They're the menstrual poops of chickens. When a hen is on the rag, that's what comes out of her axe wound, is a fucking egg. I don't know who first watched a chicken squeeze an egg out of her snatch and decided "it would be a good idea to put that chicken menstruation in my mouth", but I bet it was Dave Newlin's "great" X 1,000 grandfather, some deviant caveman, who probably liked to cornhole saber-toothed tigers, or to put his whole head in the butthole of a woolly mammoth.
The other day, I thought I saw the grossest thing on the planet. Me and Cody went over to Brady Nickels' apartment with a case of Coors. One time, she got really drunk and "skied" Cody and Cooter Bradenberg, which is when a chick HJ's two dudes at the same time. So we thought we could trick her into playing "Truth or Dare" with us. But then Cody turned on me. He got me on a truth and asked me if it was true that last July I had like, six chili dogs and then I shit my pants at a Salt Lake Bees game. And then I was like "dude! we're trying to get HJ's here!" So he turns to Brady, like he's going to dare her to take off her sports bra, but then he dared her to douse me with her pepper spray keychain. Before I knew it, my eyeballs felt like Satan himself was taking a flaming piss on them and I was coughing and puking all over the place, and I heard Cody say we were even for the all the times I tea-bagged him and took pictures of it, and Brady said we were even for the time I told everyone that we dry-humped at her step-dad's cabin. I could hardly see or walk or anything, and I was pissed that I wasn't going to get skied with Cody, but in the end Cody was a broham and he tied a rope to the front truck of my longboard and pulled me back to the house. Me and him are cool.
Anyway, so I stumble in, and there's Dave Newlin on the couch. He's all like "Shit, Zack, what the hell happened to you?" And he was eating this thing, it was like brown and nutty, and i was all blurry eyed still, so it looked like a piece of human shit. And I yelled "Dave Newlin, are you eating a piece of human shit!" I was totally like, "That's it. Call a priest to bless this house and cast the gayness out." But it turns out it was just a Nut Roll. Still - a NUT roll. And he was dipping it in melted marshmellow. Like jizz, dude.
Seriously, I think Dave Newlin eats all this crazy shit, because he's trying to kill his tastebuds. Like, traumatize them so much they go into a coma. Why would he try to do that?, you might ask, and i'm like, Broham? Isn't it obvious? If he kills his tastebuds, he'll be able to rim dudes and drink their man-milk with total taste impunity! He'd be a fucking machine, and twinks and bears from miles around would gather at my house and form a long line, like taking numbers and shit, while Dave Newlin, liberated from the constraints of taste, would be eating assholes like caramel corn. I don't think I have to tell you it would be totally fucking gay.