Prop 8? Totally Great!

Sup brohams? So, in case you don't keep up with politics and shit, there have been two pretty huge news items lately.
A) Our next president is totally a Black guy, and his middle name is Hussein! I hear a lot of dudes who wear neckerchiefs and girls with floppy hats jawing on about how awesome it is. On the other hand, my mom totally called me on election night, sobbing and freaking out, because she says that Barack Obama is going to dye everyone's skin black and sell half of us to the Chinese as slaves. Me? I'm not excited, but I'm not freaking out either. Because I bet Barack Obama is actually Dave Chappelle in a rubber mask. I'm being totally serious. Think about it - Dave Chappelle goes off the radar completely, cancels his show, moves to South Africa and probably became one of those dudes on National Geographic that ties rocks to his shlong - or did he? I bet on the day of inauguration, right when he officially becomes the President, Barack Obama will rip off his rubber mask, and reveal himself, and yell "Surprise, Niggas!" And then our National Motto will be "I'm Rick James, Bitch!" That would be awesome!
B) There is a huge fucking broo-ha-ha in regards to the fact that gay dudes can no longer get married in California - and guess who's limp-wristed, cum-gargling roommate is totally pissed about this? You guessed it! Dave Newlin!
A couple weeks ago, I was flipping the channels, waiting for The Simpsons to come on and right there on the TV news was Dave Newlin at the Mormon Temple in Salt Lake City, holding up a big sign that said "EQUAL RIGHTS FOR ADAM AND STEVE" on it. I texted Cody right away and told him to turn on the TV - as far as I'm concerned seeing Newlin in congregation with a bunch of other stool-pushers, getting their panties in a wad over something stupid like a wedding cake with two grooms on it, is like an official document from Dave Newlin, signed by a notary public and everything, that says he loves to go ass to mouth.
When Newlin got home that evening, I told him I saw him on TV. And he was all like "Yeah, this whole Prop 8 thing is ridiculous. The Government's job is to regulate trade and protect our land and provide public services like schools and free clinics and things. It has no business making decisions based on personal morals." And I was like, "Okay, but I mean, like God made men AND women. You know? How would we keep the human race going if everyone just decided to be gay dudes, or dykes." And he was all like "There are six billion people in the world. If anything, we need less people breeding, not more." And I can see that, because, like, I fucking hate traffic and shit, and the less people there are in the world, the faster it is on the freeway. And also, standing in line at the movies, or at Lagoon, would probably be less annoying. And while I was thinking about how awesome it would be if it were, like, me, Cody, and Cooter, and some real slutty chicks who had their uteruses ripped out by a doctor (we'd have to have a doctor, too, I guess, and a chef, and someone who knows how to work computers) and we'd all be the last people on earth, cause everyone else went queerbones on each other and died out, like the dinosaurs - while I was thinking about that, Dave Newlin was like "Look, the issue here is one of equality in rights. Gay people have all the duties attached with citizenship in this country - a homosexual gets drafted, they go to war. They called into jury duty, they have to go. They have to observe the same speed limits and pay the same taxes. If they have all the duties that go with citizenship, then they should have all of the rights and personal freedoms and whatnot." And that's when I came up with a solution to this whole mess - in exchange for banning gay marriage, we tell everyone in the U.S. who's gay that they don't have to go jury duty anymore. This would be a win-win for everyone, because then I don't have to worry about going to a Salt Lake Bees game and seeing that someone has arranged for the scoreboard to read "Andrew, will you marry me - Lance". And then I puke chili dog all over the place, which is the worst thing to puke, right after spaghetti.
But also, they don't have to go to jury duty. And I'd win at that one too, because let's say I get busted for like pressing my flesh rat up against Cooter's window as a practical joke - only this time, he presses charges. And I'm at the court and the jury is made of all gay guys, and they're going to find me guilty, not because of evidence or witness testimony, but because I'm wearing, like, pleated chinos or something, and they're out of style. Then I'd go to jail - and, shit, you know what happens in jail. I've seen a lot of movies about that kind of shit, where they make a dude toss a salad, or they just up and ass-rape him in the middle of the night. But if gay dudes would accept my offer - no marriage in exchange for no jury duty - then, I wouldn't have to worry about it. I bet a lot of those dudes in a normal jury would be total brohams about the whole thing.